I have just re-read all of the posts that I have written so far. I have to admit that I was impressed! When I was much younger (We are talking high school here people...) I loved to write. I wrote poems, stories and even my feelings about what was happening in my life at the time. English was always my favorite subject and I always loved to read. Over the years life interrupted. I no longer thought I had time to write. Perhaps it was just what I needed, more than ever, but I didn't realize it at the time.
Fast forward to the present. We really don't need to rehash all that stuff in the past again do we? So moving forward is the way to go. What I realized as I was reading what I had written is that I was in a pretty good place thought wise. What I wrote made sense, to me anyway, and I really do believe in what I wrote about. The thing is, a person can be in a pretty good place one day and a not so good place the next. I am not saying that I totally lost it and started eating meat again. No sir! I have continued to abstain from all meat. In fact, I have been eating healthier than ever. I am eating a large salad everyday along with my green smoothie and other healthy concoctions. I have been meditating for the past five weeks daily and have tried to keep at least slightly active along the way. Slightly means just walking with no real form of organized exercise, but hey, it's what I can do right now and that's ok. So, as of right now, I am back in a pretty good place. Now here comes the truth part....
Back about a month and a half ago, I was not in such a great place. I was still abstaining from meat, but I was also back into the sugar. Remember what I wrote about my battle with the Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream? Well, this time around, I lost the battle. Since that happened it has been harder than ever to come to grips with it again...The fact that I am probably forever addicted to sugar and each time I slip and overeat sugary products, I will fall flat on my face again for a while. The funny thing about this time though is that even though I slipped (and in doing so, put back on six pounds...) it was not for as long a time as in the past. I was totally aware of what I was doing each step of the way. I realized that the minute I gave into that craving for ice cream I would be feeling sick to my stomach (a result of the gastric bypass surgery I had 6 years ago...) and depressed because I was a failure. Now I know that failure is a strong word, but I am sometimes very hard on myself. Since my slip up, I have had good days and bad days. Lately though there have been more good days than bad and I am grateful for that. The main thing that doing my meditation each day has taught me is that the past is the past and the future, of course, has not happened yet, so all we really have is the present. Just the fact that I was able to stop and think about how I would feel after I ate the ice cream is a great improvement for me! I guess that might sound strange, but I am usually not as thoughtful before I give in to a sugar craving. By just slowing down and realizing what the result might be if I ate it was monumental for me.
By taking time to think about how great I feel when I eat healthy compared to how not great I feel when I eat crap, I am moving forward in the right direction. Be it ever so slowly, I am coming to grips with the fact that I am just a not-so-perfect human being. Yes there will be good days, but somewhere in there will be the bad ones too, and I am ok with that. I really am.
Laurie
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